new head doctor

I just saw a new psychiatrist today. She's from Barbados. She put me on a new mood stabilizer that will hopefully work for me. She says that, with all hope, I may be able to drop the anti-anxiety medication I'm taking now and that this may be all I need.

I went to the drug store but they have to order it, so it may not be in until tomorrow or the day after. In this case, it's a good thing I took myself off the mood stabilizer from before since I can go right into this one- gradually, I mean- and I should become a better aquaintance with gravity soon.

The pharmacist was really sweet and I was almost overwhelmed by her way of showing care to me. She didn't know me from anyone else, but when she asked if I would mind to wait, tears welled up in my eyes and I said, "I need relief as soon as I can get it." She replied, "I know you do."

(Thank you, Miss Pharmacist lady. I'm impressed with your knowledge and I appreciate your reassurance that there's something better out there for me. You made my day, and I love you. Thanks for not looking at me like I'm some sort of freak and thanks for treating me like a real person. Next time I'm in, I'll fill out a comment card all about you.)

I'm glad to be back in school, but academics pushes my panic button, no matter how passionate I am about it. It's back to studying all the time and never getting enough done- enough to be finished, enough to feel like I'm ahead.

This is a kind of downbeat entry, and I hate to be writing this kind of thing, but I am sad and afraid at this time. I'm trying to make too many life decisions that I shouldn't be worrying with yet. I'm trying not to wear a mask, but sometimes it helps to walk with my chin up, even when it feels like it's being scraped up by the concrete below my feet. I need to remember how far I've come, how much I really have accomplished, and encourage myself to never give up, never rest. Keep pushing.

I aspire to be a
compassionate observer.
I want to trust in me again, and therefore,
in others.

Meanwhile, I'm going to give my love to a girl, and to a dog named Mojo. They'll never know how much they give me.