work soon

I've got to go to work soon, but I wanted to post this very important bit of information. I've said the rest.

I love you with all my heart.
I don't want anyone but you.
You make me a better person.
I love you more every moment.

I just get scared sometimes and say things that I shouldn't, things that just come out of my mouth and things that I haven't thought through.

I apologize, and I love you. I just hope you believe me.

And I wish that I could be for you what you are for me.
Let me know if you think I can.

medicated

So, my medicine is beginning to stabilize and I'm hoping that no one thinks I'm crazy, but then again, it's none of my business what others think about me.

Having passion without becoming disenchanted. Using talent without fear. Having enough space in my head to hold all the information I willingly seek and take in. This is what I'm working on. Well, among many other things.

Things are good, getting better every day. Sadly, my ethnography became a bust, and I'm going to have to let my professor in on that, but not until he grades my take-home exam in which I exalted how much I want to do this particular ethnography and said, "I just want to learn everything!" Maybe I was being manic. Maybe not. Maybe that was my natural state that gets stepped on so often. I should let my freak flag fly. I really should. And I will.

I got his book and even though I haven't been able to read it yet, I realized that, like most of the population, "the world lives for the weekends," and I bet that he is teaching as a break, or otherwise a vehicle, for going back to the land of the nomad pastoralists. I know he's married, so I'm sure he loves his wife, but I think his heart is there. How wonderful and at the same time wonderfully tragic it would be to be in a place, stuck with -worst case scenario- a bunch of students that don't give a fuck about anthropology with only one or two that truly take it seriously, while your heart is going out to those that live completely different lives than you. Not that they are victims. Not that he's a victim. Quite the contrary. I bet he longs for the life-expectancy and livelihood of the people there. I bet he looks at American culture and thinks, "What a waste, what a consumerist police state..." I bet he thinks about the people that are so far away from him and wishes that he was singing and dancing with them. Sometimes, I think that way, too.

I wonder how many of my professors feel this way and are only here as a short break from their passions. I hope few. I'd hate to think that I'm here working so hard, after working so hard to get here, and they are the ones not putting their hearts into it. I must disengage from that thought now.

My best friend finished serving his time for his second DUI yesterday. I gave him my congratulations and told him that "it's only gonna get better from here." I believe that, and if he believes that, too, it will. Above and beyond.

The first roommate I had here dated the guy that just died in the dorm over. That's been shaking me quite a bit. They are taking him for an autopsy and I don't know that the school will ever release the real information, but I'm sure the people that knew him know what happened. There might have been people there that left so they wouldn't get into trouble, and I find that incredibly sad. I worry that when people share a hobby, their friends might be just hobby-friends and may really not care at all. Love to the people going through that.

Love to all the people living. Life is not always fair, not always happy. Sometimes life is hard, but if we look at the love that pokes through even the bad times, we'll see through the bad, and the joy will give us more pleasure than we could have imagined otherwise.

Back to Feminist Methodologies. Goodnight.

new head doctor

I just saw a new psychiatrist today. She's from Barbados. She put me on a new mood stabilizer that will hopefully work for me. She says that, with all hope, I may be able to drop the anti-anxiety medication I'm taking now and that this may be all I need.

I went to the drug store but they have to order it, so it may not be in until tomorrow or the day after. In this case, it's a good thing I took myself off the mood stabilizer from before since I can go right into this one- gradually, I mean- and I should become a better aquaintance with gravity soon.

The pharmacist was really sweet and I was almost overwhelmed by her way of showing care to me. She didn't know me from anyone else, but when she asked if I would mind to wait, tears welled up in my eyes and I said, "I need relief as soon as I can get it." She replied, "I know you do."

(Thank you, Miss Pharmacist lady. I'm impressed with your knowledge and I appreciate your reassurance that there's something better out there for me. You made my day, and I love you. Thanks for not looking at me like I'm some sort of freak and thanks for treating me like a real person. Next time I'm in, I'll fill out a comment card all about you.)

I'm glad to be back in school, but academics pushes my panic button, no matter how passionate I am about it. It's back to studying all the time and never getting enough done- enough to be finished, enough to feel like I'm ahead.

This is a kind of downbeat entry, and I hate to be writing this kind of thing, but I am sad and afraid at this time. I'm trying to make too many life decisions that I shouldn't be worrying with yet. I'm trying not to wear a mask, but sometimes it helps to walk with my chin up, even when it feels like it's being scraped up by the concrete below my feet. I need to remember how far I've come, how much I really have accomplished, and encourage myself to never give up, never rest. Keep pushing.

I aspire to be a
compassionate observer.
I want to trust in me again, and therefore,
in others.

Meanwhile, I'm going to give my love to a girl, and to a dog named Mojo. They'll never know how much they give me.